Relationship Relationship Relationship - Simple ways to build relationship in and out of business
Relationship Relationship Relationship - Simple ways to build relationship in and out of business
We're told to focus on relationship in improv scenes, in business transactions and in our networks.... but what does it mean, and how do we do it?
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Relationship Relationship Relationship
We're told to focus on relationship in improv scenes, in business transactions and in our extended networks.... but what does it mean, and how do we do it?
If you’re a sales professional, a business owner or a people manager you’ve been told ‘it’s all about relationship’ about a gajillion times (#NotExaggerating).
AND… this is true for made-up characters on the improv stage too!
Despite this commonplace wisdom, our general habits often default to the opposite! At work this might mean that our sales calls are too feature focused or in the office that we’re over-revving on pitch decks. I myself have fallen into the trap of spending time redesigning my website when I should really be picking up the phone… as if my website itself would hire me to facilitate a strategy session (hasn’t happened yet!).
In improv scenes forgetting to build relationship shows up as being too focused on plot, character traits, or doing clever comedy bits.
The consequences for both are the same. Without relationship we get lackluster outcomes. You know it. I don’t have to say more.
So we know it matters… but how do we know if we’re doing it?
Here’s what I think I know about Relationship in Improv and in Business
When I first entered the workforce and heard I was supposed to build relationships, I remember asking someone what that meant. They said “you know, like how some sales people play golf with their customers,” to which I replied “oh. okay!” as if I understood.
But I didn’t. Business relationships are not about golf (even if some relationships do actually involve regular golfing)!
Likewise as a young improviser, I thought to create relationship amongst characters on stage, I simply needed to name my scene partner: “Oh hi, mom!”
If you do an internet search for definitions some are super dry, and some slightly more helpful, but for a shared definition that works for both business and improv, here is the definition that I’ve come up with for myself.
My definition of RELATIONSHIP: A bond between people that creates reason(s) to care about what comes next.
In an improv scene this is about the emotional stakes between two people that bring the audience to a place of curiosity. The kind of questions the audience might wonder about the relationship on stage might include:
Will they fall in love?
Is she going to give him the promotion at work?
Are they capable of forgiving each other?
Will he help his neighbor save her farm?
Will the villain be made good through their new found friendship?
Naturally on the improv stage we’re looking for a little bit of drama in the relationship because it’s theatre after all!
In business what we’re looking for is much more subtle, but it’s still about the feelings underneath how we interact. If you have a good relationship with a business associate or prospect you’ll probably notice some of the following to be true between you.
You have something in common that is fun and easy to talk about, or even do together.
Speaking with them feels enjoyable to you. It’s easy to laugh together! Not that weird, hollow courtesy laugh, but genuine smiles and giggles show up when you talk about life, work, and the world.
They seem to enjoy speaking with you (they respond to your calls, are excited when you reach out, and are curious to hear what’s new in your life).
They want to share what’s happening in their life and will get real with you on stuff about work, but also stuff that isn’t work related at all.
Your conversations about work and other activities are engaging. Time flies quickly when you are together whether it’s social or in a work specific meeting.
They express interest in connecting you with other people who could use your product/expertise/services and are interested in doing more with you themselves.
How do you create good relationships with people in your network?
Look, I want to level with you here. I’m about to give you a list. This is an incomplete list. It’s a working list! It’s a list I’ve been adding to as I continue to grow as an entrepreneur and as an improviser.
Here’s what seems to be true though. With some people, you will never need a list. It’s easy and automatic to talk with each other, and the bond just sort of shows up! With others it takes a little more energy. If you only take one thing from this essay, it should be this: notice the way you behave when it’s easy and automatic, and apply some of those behaviors when it’s not. That’s how this list was born!
If noticing and applying your own observations seems too challenging to you, than feel free to steal from this list.
A few ways to cultivate relationship with someone in your network
Find things in common. Get curious. Ask questions! What do they like doing when they’re not at work? What kind of things are on their mind? Sometimes the easiest way to find this out is when you’re close to finishing talking shop. I’ll often ask “What’s next for you today? Anything you’re looking forward to?”
Share a little bit of your reality. Your vulnerability can open up their vulnerability. Just remember a little bit goes a long way. You don’t need to give them a list of complaints or unravel your entire history at their feet. Just a little peek into who you are will open the door for them to give you a peek. I often do this at the top of a meeting by sharing a piece of my reality. “I just finished lunch with my family.” “I’m sitting at my home desk, apologies if my cat is noisy… she thinks she’s my co-worker!” “I just read a super intense think piece, and I’m still processing. but I’m excited about this meeting”
Tell them what you notice about the dynamic between you while keeping your tone professional. For example, “seems like we could talk about this for hours… still, I definitely want to honor our scheduled timing.”
Do something fun together. With one client, we have occasional walk and talks where we swap podcasting tips. With a colleague in my professional network we get together for an occasional coffee catch up, and often look for ways to collaborate. I suppose, this is where golfing comes in to play. If you both love golf, why not hit the green together? (it’s called a green right? I don’t golf…). I’ve enjoyed rock climbing, crocheting and backyard movie watching with people in my personal and professional network. Sometimes my friends bring me business. Sometimes my clients become friends. For me, both are great!
Break bread. Conversations over coffee or lunch can be great ways to notice what you have in common, learn about this person, and build a feeling between you that you care what happens next.
Tell people what you’re working on that you’re excited about and ask for their input and expertise! People love to feel like their skills and their thoughts are of value. Asking for input is an excellent way for people to feel cared for, and when they feel cared for, they often feel like caring right back!
Send thank you notes, send birthday wishes, share articles, book recommendations or comics. Be human!
With any of these tips or others the most important thing is that you have to genuinely want to do them. If you’re forcing yourself to go to lunch, or share ideas with people you don’t want to learn from. If you’re trying to befriend folks who you have zero interest in because you think it will get you something… it simply will not work. People can smell insincerity a mile away. Plus, lots of folks have friends already. It’s not your job to become all things to all people, nor will you.
Expecting something in return for building relationships is a recipe for disaster. Nobody likes to feel used, or obligated.
Here’s the bottom line:
Building relationships means cultivating a bond between you and other folks that creates reason(s) to care about what comes next for both of you.
When you demonstrate that you care and are interested in others, give people enjoyable memories of interacting with you, connect them to exciting ideas and opportunities and find ways to have more good moments together, you enrich both of your lives.
If you do this well, when you do end up working together, the work is that much more rewarding.
How’s our relationship?
Would you like to enjoy a cup of coffee and chat with me? I would; and in July, I can! If you’re local, we can get together in person. Otherwise, we can meet virtually (#thankyoucovid)
We can talk about what’s going on in your work, we can talk about the exciting things I’m doing with Art of Change, you can share your thoughts on this newsletter… let’s take 30 luxurious minutes to see where the conversation goes!
Use this link to grab a spot on my calendar for us to get together.
Note: I will be gone on a much needed family vacation for the majority of this month, so if you’re greeted with a “no dates available message” try clicking to the next month!