Useful Assumption #1: People Have GOOD Reasons for their BAD Behavior
When people say and do things that confuse and bewilder us, here is why it is useful to assume they have good reasons. Pro-tip, this isn't always easy to do...
It is hard to make sense of the horrible things people say and do. We receive news of acts of horror globally and it can feel like it’s happening in our own backyard. We witness people we care about say terrible things at home, at work and online, which can cause a crisis of trust… after all, how could anyone like or respect a person who talks like that??
I would be willing to bet that you’ve even caught yourself saying things in a way that may have seemed reasonable in the moment, only to realize that you’d actually gone completely off the rails based on the reaction of the person you were talking to.
It is natural human behavior to feel that if someone isn’t completely with us on something that they must be against us. However the reality of human experience and the nature of most conflict is far more complex than simply picking sides. You don’t have to dig deep to know that some things we agree on quickly and some things we won’t agree on… but even in cases where obvious agreement fails, relationships can be strengthened and differences can be resolved.
The starting point: make useful assumptions.
Useful Assumption #1: People have good reasons for their bad behavior
In contrast to what some people will do, which is dismiss motives as being driven by hatred or evil alone, perhaps the most useful assumption you can make is that people have good reasons for their bad choices. This is not to say that you will necessarily agree with their reasons. You are simply acknowledging for yourself that the person who says or does something you do not understand, could have a reason that in their mind that is compelling enough that the action or words which followed made perfect sense… to them.
What makes this a useful assumption?
Assuming that someone has good reasons behind their bad behavior opens up less obvious choices and gets you past the binary command of “pick a side.” Remember, what we believe about a person influences our experience of that person. Our brains are silly, little assumption-reinforcing machines. So, if we want to break free of a repeating pattern we need to unlock fresh choices.
Let’s look at some examples:
AT WORK:
What you notice: Every time you speak up at a meeting Bob cuts you off.
Here’s what doesn’t work—> making a limiting assumption: Bob doesn’t respect me.
Why is this limiting? You’re stuck with the binary choice of either trying to earn Bob’s respect or writing Bob off as an a-hole. Not to mention, you’re probably solving for the wrong problem which at best will lead to you looking like a manic idiot or at worst, you yourself become the a-hole.
Better—> make useful assumption #1: There is a reason Bob keeps cutting me off.
Why is this useful? First, it helps you tap into your curiosity. If there is a reason for Bob’s behavior with you, then it follows that you might be able to discover what that reason is… and then be able to do something with that information.
You might try noticing more of the context for Bob cutting you off. Is it really just you, or is happening to everyone? Is it during specific types of communication or all the time? Perhaps you learn that he’s cutting you off, after you cut someone else off. Maybe you even go to Bob and have the hard conversation. “Bob here’s what I’ve noticed…., but rather than assume anything about it, I thought maybe we could talk about what’s going on.”
The result could lead to turning Bob into your biggest cheerleader. Or maybe you discover that Bob really is doing it on purpose out of a place of hurt and resentment, which will give you the opportunity to resolve past conflict and become a more cohesive team.
POLITICS IN SOCIAL POSTS
What you notice: Patrice who you typically view positively is posting ill-informed, propaganda-fueled garbage.
Limiting assumption that doesn’t help: They’re not the great person I thought they were, (or worse) they’ve been brainwashed!
Why is this limiting? Because you’re left with the choice to either stay connected with someone horrible, abandon a connection that may have been good, or worse try and save them from their stupid selves so you can once again feel reassured about being connected to them (pro-tip this attitude is doomed to fail… feel free to try it and report back).
In other words you either lose a connection and feel bad, keep a connection and feel bad, or keep a connection and they feel bad about you: lose-lose-lose.
Better: useful assumption #1: There is a reason that Patrice is posting this content.
Why is this better than simply cutting ties? Because let’s be honest, cutting ties is the least energy intensive choice you can make. In some cases it may even be your best choice. BUT we’re talking about Patrice! In our example, this is a person you typically view favorably, and are happy to be connected with. I don’t know about you, but I value my connections—both deep friendships and happy acquaintances. In my view it is good to open yourself up to a few additional choices, leaving cutting ties as a last resort.
By assuming that Patrice has a good (by her estimation) reason to post content you don’t like this opens you up to learn something new. You may learn where Patrice began to form her opinion and why it matters to her. You may learn things you hadn’t previously considered, which could help give you a more informed perspective as well.
By approaching Patrice with curiosity about her reasoning, you build a bridge instead of burning one down and if you’re willing to cross that bridge to understand what Patrice cares about, there is a much stronger likelihood that Patrice will also cross back with you to understand where your perspective lives.
Your open discourse can serve to enrich you both as individuals while adding depth to your connection.
Here’s the Bottom Line:
Our brains are assumption factories. If you’re going to assume something, you might as well assume something useful. This goes beyond simply giving people the benefit of the doubt.
When we assume that people have good (from their perspective) reasons for the way they choose to behave, we open up more choices for ourselves in how we choose to respond to behaviors we encounter.
Having trouble getting there with someone you know? Feel free to leave a comment with your example, and lets see if I, or someone else in the Making This Up subscriber community can offer you some help and support!
Excellent! Making useful assumptions is the smartest foundation possible to engage and stay engaged with others to move past barriers to worthwhile relationships.