What do you tell yourself when you get rejected?

From auditions, to job interviews to interview requests... there are plenty of opportunities to hear you're not wanted. Here's what you can do!

Show photo from Avenue PDX, Funhouse Lounge in Portland, Oregon

This week, following an amazingly fun rehearsal for Avenue PDX (an improvised Puppet Musical which opens in a few weeks at the Funhouse Lounge in Portland, OR), some of us cast members decided to grab a post-rehearsal beverage and do some catching up. As is often the case, talk turned to other projects, opportunities, and show-stories.

Over the weekend there had been a slew of auditions, and as folks compared notes, one person said “I had a really bad audition season.”

That’s when another person at the table chimed in, “Oh! Whenever I don’t get cast, I have two things I tell myself. Thing one, I’ll just tell myself it was because of my dancing. I’m not a trained dancer, but I am a trained singer and actor… so blaming my dancing can help it make sense. But the other thing I’ll say to myself is that I’m too tall! Which is truly out of my control as a tall person.”

A third person quickly joked “I just tell myself I’m toooo pretty. If they don’t give you a reason they rejected you, you get to make one up!”

This sparked a great conversation about handling rejection… something everybody has to deal with at some point in our lives.

How to internally handle rejection with poise and grace

From auditions, to job interviews to interview requests... there are plenty of opportunities to hear that you're not wanted. Sometimes you’re not a fit, sometimes the timing is off, and sometimes you simply fail to show up the way you know you’re capable.

Most of the time professional rejection comes with little to no explanation. Often you simply never hear from the interviewer, press contact or casting director. Even if you’re given the oh-so-generous form letter rejection, the most you’ll get is “we went with someone else.” It’s pretty rare that anyone gives you specific reasons why you don’t fit their criteria. That means that processing being told “you’re not a fit” really is up to you. Your mindset, and your self talk, when it comes to rejection, effects how quickly you can move on.

Now you might be thinking, “But Aden… you sound like a broken record with this whole mindset thing.”

You’re not wrong. But, losing out on an opportunity that you want could be for LOTS of different reasons. Which means you’re literally left with nothing to process but your attitude, filters and assumptions, and I know that some of you automatically jump to judgmental, unhelpful and negative mental choices. What I’m suggesting is that you can do what my friends do, and fill in the blank with something helpful instead of hurtful. Let’s face it — you are not going to be the perfect fit for every role or opportunity that comes into your awareness, and that’s OKAY!

Rather than waste time dwelling on why this opportunity is gone, most of the time you’ll benefit from moving on quickly. For that, I present a list of explanations that are as good as any for explaining why you were rejected.

1. I’m too famous

2. God (or Universe or Destiny… or whatever) wants me for another purpose

3. They recognized that they’re not ready for an amazing sparkle-pony like myself

4. I dodged a bullet on this one

5. Whew! Glad they rejected me, I wouldn’t want to work for someone who doesn’t recognize my brilliance!

6. I’m clearly too smart

7. There must be a glitch in the time-space continuum

8. The perfect fit is around the corner

Of course sometimes it may be worth it to you to reach out and ask for specific feedback to attempt to increase your odds for the next opportunity. But unless you really want to put in the work to change something based on a stranger’s opinion, most of the time you’re better off simply telling yourself something that helps you let go, so you can focus on finding opportunities that are actually a great fit for you.

As my Great-Great Aunt in Georgia used to say, “Honey-child, every pot has its lid.”

The bottom line is this:

Rejection happens. How quickly you move on from it is entirely up to you. If you’re going to fill in the blank on why someone has decided you’re not a fit, fill in the blank with something that helps you move on faster. Don’t waste your time beating yourself up.

And… if you need practice, you can always embark on a rejection journey to build the mental habit. My good friend Jason did this, and embarked on “The Year of 100 No’s.” He never made it to 100, because he was the perfect fit for one of the opportunities for which he interviewed…. (but he did get close, with more than 70 rejections).

For discussion:

I always like hearing your reactions to this stuff! Feel free to leave a comment on this post, or email your thoughts to me directly.

1. What’s the worst rejection you ever received? How did you handle it?

2. Are you a fan of asking the rejecting entity for feedback, or do you prefer to let it go?

3. What’s your favorite thing to tell yourself when you find out your not a fit for an opportunity?