How Did I Spot a Romance Scam Targeting My Mother? The Signs Anyone Can Learn
A firsthand look at the methods, messages, and manipulation of romance scams so you can protect yourself and those you love.
My mom’s connection with the imaginary man she would fall in love with, be robbed by, and break her heart began simply: he commented on one of her TikTok posts.
For those of us on the outside of the ‘relationship’ it was clear she had fallen for a scammer; an easy text book example in fact! For her, the manipulation was so complete that she came to trust the thief more than us at near lightning speed. Within a period of roughly four months, she would go into thousands of dollars in debt, jeopardizing her health, stability, our trust in her and her trust in herself.
This four part series shares the story of how my mother was exploited by a scam, and more importantly what it took to stop the scammers in their tracks. You are reading part 1.
Many families fail to get through to their loved ones who are victims of romance scams. I believe I was eventually able to get through to her because of my background in interpersonal communication and my training as an improviser. It wasn’t easy, but it was important. For those of you who suspect your loved one may be in trouble, I hope that this series will offer some help and some hope.
The first step in stopping a scam in it’s track, is recognizing it for what it is.
How Romance Scams Work
Today, October 3rd, is International Romance Scam Awareness & Prevention Day. So it seemed like this would be a good day to share a little bit of insight into the anatomy of romance scams. Knowledge is power, and understanding what happens inside of this particular form of fraud can help you break through to your loved one.
If you haven’t yet been scammed, the likelihood is exceedingly high that you know someone who has. According to Federal Trade Commission data anyone can be a target of an imposter scam and the numbers are surprising. In 2024 there were 880,653 reported cases of fraud amounting to a loss of over $308 billion dollars. Of those, 60,931 were cases of romance scam, amounting to an average total loss of $1.2 million dollars.1 Victims can lose as little as a few hundred, or they can lose everything including their house. How much a victim of a romance scam loses depends on how quickly reality is able to break through the carefully created veneer the scammer presents.
Here’s how it works. In a romance scam (sometimes people call these something else, like love scam, or dating scam), criminals pretend to build a relationship with their victim only to defraud their mark by stealing their money, setting them up to be a money mule… or both.2
Scammers reach out to make an initial connection most often on dating sites or via social media. They groom their targets through a combination of love bombing, frequent communication, and appealing to what matters most to their victims (even easier now with AI), while peppering in reasons to be worried or fearful about losing the connection, until they can tell that their victim is ready to part with their money.
How can a scammer tell if you are ready to part with your cash?
There are a few initial tests, things like getting you to move off of the platform where you met and onto a different messaging platform that is “more secure”. They’ll see if their explanations for discrepancies in their story (because you will challenge them) are accepted. They’ll notice if the stories they’re telling elicit the desired emotional response. When you’ve passed their litmus test, they’ll finally have you hypnotized into a perfectly balanced, never ending loop of fear and love and when you will willingly trust them over your own intuition, the warnings of family and friends, and the wisdom of bankers, retailers, and law enforcement…well, that’s when they’ve got ya.3
To protect yourself, FBI.gov offers the following suggestions for safeguarding yourself against imposters online.
Protect Yourself4
Be careful what you post and make public online. Scammers can use details shared on social media and dating sites to better understand and target you.
Research the person’s photo and profile using online searches to see if the image, name, or details have been used elsewhere.
Go slowly and ask lots of questions.
Beware if the individual seems too perfect or quickly asks you to leave a dating service or social media site to communicate directly.
Beware if the individual attempts to isolate you from friends and family or requests inappropriate photos or financial information that could later be used to extort you.
Beware if the individual promises to meet in person but then always comes up with an excuse why he or she can’t. If you haven’t met the person after a few months, for whatever reason, you have good reason to be suspicious.
Never send money to anyone you have only communicated with online or by phone.
If your loved one is caught up in a scam
While I was suspicious very early into my mom’s experience with an online fraudster, it took me four months to gather the confirmation, evidence and skills needed to finally break through and put a stop to things. While it’s true that a significant amount of damage was done in that time, I am certain that it could have been much, much worse.
Over the next few weeks I will share her story, and the details of how I was able to help her finally end the scam. But I would be remiss if I didn’t end this post with a few tips for you on how to get through to those you care about.
Tip #1 - It’s important to keep trust and communication with your loved one open. This may mean you have to back off at times, or even pretend to believe that the scammer isn’t a scammer. If you push too hard to try and convince your loved one that they are being groomed and not courted, you run the risk of pushing them all the way away.
Tip #2 - Gather evidence. If you’re able to sneakily gain access to the social profile of the scammer, or at minimum grab a few screen shots from your loved ones devices, do it. This will allow you to use helpful tools like reverse lookup and more.
Tip #3 - Let your loved one know that you have suspicions, and point them to helpful resources like the ones shared in this post. But do it humbly.
Tip #4 - These kinds of scammers tend to target people they perceive to be lonely, so if you have a loved one who lives alone, is recently single, or doesn’t seem to have an active social circle, make a point to spend time with them regularly. Keeping loneliness at bay may not be a cure, but it certainly is medicine and at bare minimum it will help your loved one know that you care about them.
In summary
This is a pretty high-level look at how romance scams work, how to spot one and what to do when you do. Of course each person’s story will be different, which is why I want to share my families experience with you and yours.
Searchable database of Fraud reports by the Federal Trade Commission. Published Aug. 15, 2025 (data as of June 30, 2025) https://public.tableau.com/app/profile/federal.trade.commission/viz/shared/4WS8HTYQ6.
Romance Scams.Fbi.gov. https://www.fbi.gov/how-we-can-help-you/scams-and-safety/common-frauds-and-scams/romance-scams.
New FTC Data Reveals Top Lies Told by Romance Scammers. Feb. 9, 2023 https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/news/press-releases/2023/02/new-ftc-data-reveals-top-lies-told-romance-scammers.
Wow. I'm on the edge of my seat. Great writing, and very helpful for anyone wanting to protect their loved ones!