She Thought She Was Helping a Ukrainian Soldier - It Was a Scam
He played the role of a lonely soldier. She believed his story. Inside the emotional manipulation that took a simple connection from friendship to full-blown romance scam.
In 2024, my mother, like so many before her, fell victim to a romance scam. By February 2025, we finally managed to put an end to it. Today marks one year since her first contact with the scheme that deceived her into believing she’d met someone wonderful, only for us to later discover it was an imposter whose real intent was to steal from her.
Since our family has come through this ordeal we have learned a lot, but two things in particular stand out. The first is that most victims of this particular kind of theft remain silent. People often feel ashamed of having been fooled by imposter scams in general, and romance scams in particular because our culture tends to wrongfully place blame on the shoulders of the victims. We believe that by talking about the problem of romance fraud and by sharing stories, we may help other victims recognize what is happening before it’s too late. It is to this purpose that my mother has bravely given me permission to share hers.
The second thing we’ve learned is that many families may recognize the problem and still fail to help their loved ones who are being victimized by romance scams because victims are manipulated into shutting out the voices of reason, logic and care. I was eventually able to get through my mom, preventing some of the worst possible outcomes partly because of my background in interpersonal communication and partly because of my training as an improviser.
This four part series explores romance scams by sharing the story of how my mother was exploited, but more importantly what it took to stop the scammers in their tracks. You are reading part 2. If you haven’t yet read part 1, which gives an overview of what these scams are, how they work, and how to spot if you or a loved one are in one, I suggest you start there. Click here to read Part One of this series.
This is My Mother’s Story
My mother has a small but participatory community of about 500 followers on Facebook, 700 followers on Instagram and 1600 followers on TikTok. She posts daily videos featuring herself and her adorable golden chiweenie Lily, that include uplifting music, words of encouragement, inspiration, and animal activism. A few of the people she has met online have become long distance friends, with whom she talks regularly about their pets, their health and their children and grandchildren. These relationships, and the videos she shares have added a sense of purpose and enrichment to her life.
My mom is not so naive as to think that every person who contacts her is a potential friend though, and this particular scammer was not the first to have attempted to rob her. In fact there was a close call where she almost fell for an imposter scam in 2021, but whoever it was luckily believed her when she said she had no money to share and left her alone. My mother thinks of herself as particularly vigilant because of this close call and truthfully she is. She gets comments from fake accounts almost daily and she has become quite adept at spotting them.
But this particular scammer slipped through her watchful guard.
“Have you ever spoken to a Ukrainian Soldier?”
One year ago in early October, she posted a short video of her dog. It was cute, highlighting the changing weather and Autumn colors. Like any of her TikTok posts, it got some likes, and a few comments, including a short observation from a stranger about how important pets are, or how cute dogs are in general… something innocuous but friendly.
In order to boost engagement, social media platforms like Facebook1 and TikTok2 encourage content creators to comment back, which is exactly what she did, by habit. By October 10th however, this short exchange in her comments would already start moving to more frequent communication via TikTok’s private messenger.
This scammer identified himself as a Ukrainian soldier and a former journalist. He said he was a father and a widow. My mom wasn’t looking for love, and would not have described herself as particularly lonely, but her heart went out to this person who said he had lost his wife. My mother has experienced that particularly painful kind of loss. She is also a professionally trained caregiver and there was something in the story he presented to her that appealed to that caring part of her heart.
For ease of storytelling I have chosen to refer to the scammer as an individual man even though the reality of these scams makes it more likely that my mother was dealing with more than one person3 over the duration of the ordeal.
This ‘soldier’ inquired about what part of the world she was in, which she shared. He told her where he was stationed and about the pressures of being in command over a handful of men. He also shared thoughts about the beauty and importance of life, and talked about a dog that had adopted his group even in a war zone. Over the next few days, they continued getting to know each other and before long she told me that she felt a “profound” connection with him and that his words resonated with her. Later we would realize that he had likely fed the words from her social media posts into an AI4 which then generated things to say that sounded, quite literally, just like her5.
Because of the familiarity of his words, she was quickly convinced that they were kindred spirits with shared values. When he would refer to her as his “Lovely Friend” she would feel that sentiment in her heart. She believed him when he told her she was the last thing he thought about before sleep.
It only took four days for her to develop feelings for him, despite their age difference, their geological distance and her belief that the terribleness of war would probably prevent them from ever meeting in person.
Less than two weeks from his first outreach, he suggested they move their conversation to a different messaging platform. She was hesitant, but he convinced her that this would be the only way for them to keep talking, as was in a war zone. He said another app would be easier and more secure, so she agreed. She didn’t want their communication to stop.
They used an app called Zangi6. Once everything was set up, the content of their interactions escalated steeply. Now they weren’t just connecting over shared interests, they could share deeply personal feelings, become more intimately connected, and share dreams, hopes and fears. He knew all of her schedule and habits, and she had what she thought was her sweet soldier’s patrol schedule memorized.
She called him her Ukrainian soldier when she’d talk about him, and before long, he became the first thing she thought of in the morning, and the last thing she would think about before sleep. She didn’t want to admit it, but she was falling in love. And the more she felt love towards her would be robber, the more she worried…which is exactly what he wanted from her.
He would talk about the difficulty of war, telling her that he wasn’t a killer but was being forced to do what he was doing. This unwilling soldier complained of not having enough food and said he worried about himself and his men freezing at night, claiming that the Ukrainian military was not providing for their needs.
She would wistfully wish for her circumstances to be different so she could help, and she told him that if she wasn’t living on her social security and an extremely tight budget, that she would. He would say “not to worry my love” and reassure her that he would never accept money from her even if she tried to send it.
When she would open up to me about their correspondence, her descriptions were dripping with red flags. After all, “I’m in the military and far away,” is one of the most common romance scams out there! But when I or other trusted friends would express our concerns, she would either dismiss them, get defensive, or tell us that she was ‘vigilant’ and would know if he was a scammer.
I was careful to tread lightly with my mother’s heart. I believed then, and still believe now, that the most important thing was to be a safe person for her to talk to, even if I couldn’t break through the ether state7 she seemed to be in. So when she would say “maybe I shouldn’t share these things with you,” I would immediately back off and tell her that as long as she was happy, I was happy.
Part of her must have wondered why so many caring voices were skeptical of her long distance love. To prove that our worries were silly, she would share our concerns with the scammer. Instead of responding to her with patience or reassurance, he would get angry with her for questioning his intent. He would accuse her of insulting him, and chide her for believing us over him, which would put her on the defensive… and then she would apologize to him and promise that she trusted him! And their ‘lovers spats’ as he referred to them, would end up tightening this scammer’s grip on her.
“They mean well, and of course they are protective, but they’re never going to understand our love.”
In mid-November on a walk in the park, my mother told me that she thought he was gaslighting her, and she was going to end things. I applauded that she was heeding her own warning signals, but I still worried. By now I was no longer suspicious that she was caught up with a scammer, I was convinced. It was clear that her emotions were being manipulated. I told her that I had always had her back, and that I always would… but I must’ve been too enthusiastic because by the end of the walk she was defending him again, and saying that she missed him too much to break it off.
I didn’t want to push her away, so again, I backed off and told her I would support her no matter what she chose. This time though I asked her to promise me that no matter what, she would never send money to him.
“What money do I even have to send?” she said.
‘Promise me.” I replied.
“I promise.” She smiled.
But my demand for a promise was too late. She’d already sent money.
Roughly one month after her first communication with this group of thieves masquerading as a person, she told him she would send him $50 – an amount she thought she could spare despite her tight budget.
In the weeks before he had reassured her that he’d never accept money from her. This time he told her how to send it.
Give ‘em an inch and they’ll take a mile.
Over the next three months, driven by the fear of losing what she believed to be a loving relationship, she parted with nearly $10,000 in the form of CashApp Bitcoin transfers and Apple and Amazon gift cards. Worse, she had given him all of her protected identifying information, including bank numbers, passwords, and her social security number so that she, as he told her, could gain access to his accounts… even opening a new joint bank account where he told her he would deposit money for her to pay herself back for everything she had sent.
In the beginning he fed her her own words.
When she had told him she worried for his safety, he fed her fear.
When she said she was worried about money, he fed her a fantasy about the future.
When she expressed any confusion or suspicion, he fed her lies and fake evidence.
By February she believed that she’d be able to buy his freedom from Ukrainian military service long enough to meet in person. He would be in her home! Once here, perhaps he could gain safe asylum in the US and stay. Not only was he going to pay her back for everything she had sent, but they were going to be together and then he would finally be able to take care of her. All worries of death and financial ruin would be a thing of the past.
I thought I had some sense of what was happening with my mother from the bits and bobs she shared with me. In actuality I had no clue until we finally put a stop to it at the end of February which I am eager to share in part 3.
If you or someone you know have been a victim
AARP offers some incredible free help and resources. You do not have to be a member.
If you or a loved one suspect a romance scam is at play, visit the AARP Fraud Watch Network or call their helpline directly at 1-877-908-3360. You may also decide that joining one of their support group meetings could be helpful. My mother found these groups to be invaluable in healing the emotional aftermath of realizing she had been a victim.
Visit AARP’s scams & fraud resources webpage for resources on all kinds of fraud and stay informed.
If you’ve been scammed please inform law enforcement right away. File a report with the federal trade commission here: http://reportfraud.ftc.gov and a report with the FBI here: http://ic3.gov
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Zangi Messenger App Scams: What You Need to Know Before You Install by Thomas Orsolya. Malwaretips.com. May 12, 2025. https://malwaretips.com/blogs/zangi-messenger-app-scams/
Enter the ‘ether,’ where scammers weaponize your emotions by Michelle Singletary. Washington Post Dec 2, 2024. https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/interactive/2024/scammer-method-weaponize-emotions-steal-victims/