They'll tell you to pick a side. You don't have to. Two things can be true at the same time.
This isn't a political post....or is it?
It’s Monday Oct. 30 and in my tiny corner of the universe we’re planning Halloween festivities, enjoying cold weather and as I’m writing this essay, I’m now onto a luxuriously rare second cup of coffee. That coffee, which will be gone by the time this essay lands in front of you, is well earned after having indulged in a later evening of discussing how best to create an inclusive atmosphere for improv practice and learning whilst still encouraging people to challenge their comfortability. Good times!
Meanwhile in another corner of the universe, Israel (a place I believe has every right to exist) has passed the three week mark since Hamas’s horrific murdering, raping, kidnapping rampage and we are now bearing witness to Israel’s brutal retaliation in Gaza (where the people also have every right to exist). My hopes and dreams for a peaceful outcome aren’t faring too well.
Life is filled with tension. Maybe you feel this like I do.
My inner monologue on any given day can end up sounding a lot like this, “I am sad. I am joyful. I am worried. I am grateful. I am scared. I am confident. I am human.”
Two things can be true at the same time.
If you’ve listened to the Changed Podcast ever, you know that one of my favorite observations about the nature of our human experience is that two things can be true at the same time. You can be happy about one thing and sad about another. You can be a terrible leader and still be in a position of management. You can mourn the loss of life on both sides of a war.
When you acknowledge that two things can be true at the same time, it is in the tension between these opposing forces that there is actually great potential for growth.
I’m not the only person to recognize this either. Brand marketers will tell you that one of the best ways to crystalize your brand image and messaging is to identify the important tension you want to keep. For an improv theatre that might be the tension between fun and excellence. For a product manufacturer the tension might be between luxury and affordability.
I’d love to hear from you what tension you think this newsletter communicates!
Despite the wisdom in tension, or the knowledge that there is more than one truth in any given moment, people will tell you to pick a side, to take a stand and that if you don’t, you’re doing it wrong (whatever it may be)!
Really, I suppose this is just another tension!
But let me reassure you that even when people tell you that silence is violence, or that you’re about to be on the wrong side of history or that valuing life means that you’re filled with hate, you are allowed to pause and evaluate (and in fact I think you should!), and if it makes sense to you, you can choose to hold multiple realities in your heart with love, patience and resolve.
Picking a side can be a trap you unwittingly fall into, but I believe that ultimately you’re smarter than that.
Here is why picking sides is a trap
People pick sides because, in grossly oversimplified terms, there is an evolutionary drive within us that screams “you’re either with me, or you’re against me!”
When people leap off of the cliff of declarative ‘us or them’ beliefs, they simultaneously need to know that they’re okay, that you’re okay, and that they’re okay for associating with you because without the support of other people we essentially wither and die. But the good news for people who take theses ideological leaps: there always seems to be a bunch of people willing to agree… loudly.
Here’s the problem: You hurt your important relationships and risk worsening a problem that might’ve had a simple solution by picking sides prematurely.
Even worse you can pick the wrong side.
We know that jumping to conclusions with incomplete data, can lead us to incorrect assumptions and beliefs. We also know that our brains are assumption reinforcing machines. Our beliefs deeply influence how we experience reality. So, what we lack in knowledge or context, we will substitute with loyalty to our social group (“if they say it’s important, that is good enough for me!”).
You are easier to walk down a path of dark consequences once you pick sides, because you become more prone to ignoring information that goes against your selected belief. Without pausing to get context or thinking through the whole problem, you leave yourself prone to manipulation by lazily deferring to emotion and reaction. Once you’re that far along, all your biased sources have to do is present you with a supposed fix, and you’ll assume it’s the only way.
It is because of this that people do truly horrible things. Angry mobs with pitchforks are born this way.
What’s the way out?
THINK!
The way out of the trap of picking sides is to put on your critical thinking hat! Listen to your spidey-senses!
Here are a couple of things to consider:
Loud doesn’t mean correct.
We all heard it growing up, we’re supposed to say no to peer pressure. “If you’re friends were leaping off a cliff, would you?” The answer should be no!!
Just because you’ve been told there are two sides to an issue, doesn’t mean that’s true. The way you frame a problem will yield different results! Ask yourself, how else might you slice up what you know to ask a different question than the one you’ve been presented with?
When someone seems super certain on their side, and is pressuring you to declare that you’re with them, It’s OK to observe out loud without an attitude. You might say something like “you seem like you have a lot of certainty here. How do you know?”
Here’s the bottom line:
Do not fall to the pressure to pick a side without fully understanding the problem… and even then you still don’t necessarily have to pick a side. To do so compromises not just the public point of view but it also can compromise inner reconciling of your own values.
When somebody says you have to pick a side, pause. Think. See if there might be another way to frame the problem, and remember that two things can be true at the same time.
For discussion:
Picked any sides lately? How did you know it was the right side?
Are you with me or against me? Agree with what I’ve written or have a different perspective to share? If you have another perspective, I would love to hear it!
Hi, Aden! I came over from ibble to check out your Substack. I am a creator as well and sometimes feel out of place in my corner of the world. I enjoy reading thoughts from other creative beings. I enjoyed this article. Thank you.
This is exactly what I've been needing. The push to take sides has been real and taking sides seems to include agreeing with every single thing someone says. I feel like I need to make t-shirts. "Nope. No. That's okay. I abstain."
But to you, I say, "Thank you!"